i wasn`t mad at her, not at all. she had given me an amazing two days and had done for me what i failed to be able to do. plus, as i lay dying, i laid there with a smile on my face and my heart filled with joy instead of hate.
and why shouldn`t someone else have life, if I didn`t want mine.
so i laid there in the tub, packed in ice, feeling the life leak out of me faster than the blood, with a smile on my face and the thought of, what an amazing girl.
and so beautiful. so beautiful.
i began to doze off...
coming in and out of consciousness, in that in between state, where it feels impossible to open your eyes or pull yourself up.
but that didn`t matter as i was happy, content.
all was quiet.
then the door came swinging open.
"Why?! Why? she screamed again with tears rolling down her face.
there in her hand she held a note that i had written.
"why would you do it?" she asked collapsing next to me by the tub holding my hand in hers.
she was crying uncontrollably, and her grip on my hand seemed to be getting tighter and tighter, but i wasn`t so sure as i had begun to lose some feeling. but i felt tenderness shoot through my body that told me that she cared, and maybe more than cared.
"i`m going to love you for whatever you`ve done" i thought to myself referring to the song by Aidan Hawken.
"i have to get you help," she then said confidentally, getting up, composing herself and walking into the main room to use the phone.
"no," i said faintly watching her walk out.
"hello operator, i need an ambulance...yes...the Grand Hyatt...room 315...yes, come quick, please...please..."
then she hung up the phone.
i could hear her begin to cry again.
after a few moments she walked back into the room carrying a cooler.
she set it down on the bathroom counter.
"please forgive me," she said looking into the mirror as i looked up at her reflection.
"please." she added, taking a deep breath.
then she turned to walk out, whispering, "i love you" as she left the doorway.
"wait!" i tried to shout, but to no avail..."where can i find you?" i asked, failing to have the energy to get her attention. my voice was too soft, my energy was depleted, life was leaking out of me faster than blood.
moments later the answer came in the sound of the door closing.
i began to cry.
i was very cold.
there was now a sharp shooting pain in my side.
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the next thing i remember is waking up in a hospital bed. on one side of me was a doctor, and on the other a nurse who was fiddling with a few machines. Two police officers stood across the bed from me, on the wall, by the door.
"how you feeling today Stephen?" the doctor asked.
"okay, i guess."
"do you feel any stiffness any discomfort?"
"a bit."
"and you will, but that`s natural." he looked over at the monitors and the charts. "everything else is normal. your vitals are good, and were were able to replace your kidney without any problem or infection."
i let it all sink in.
it was quite a bit.
"when you`re up to it, these officers would like to ask you a few questions."
i looked over in their direction.
"okay," i said nodding that then was a good time.
the doctor looked over at the officers, and opened his hands up.
they approached.
"hello stephen, i`m officer Jenkins, and this is Officer Davidson."
i nodded.
"how you feeling today?"
"i`ve been better."
they smiled.
"i bet."
i smiled faintly.
"stephen, do you have any information to give us?"
"no," i said without hestitation.
they looked at one another, sharing that disbelieving look.
"are you sure about that?"
"yes."
"stephen, you were with the girl for over two days...there is nothing you can give us?"
i didn`t say anything.
"we have pulled the security tapes."
again i said nothing.
"stephen please, this girl took your kidney and left you for dead..."
"but she didn`t..."
he started to say something, but i cut him off, "fact is, i have my kidney, and she called for the ambulance."
"but still."
i shook my head.
"why would you protect her?"
with this question, everyone turned to me, the doctor and nurse both looking up from what they had been doing.
"because...."
"because why?"
i smiled.
"have you ever danced under a full moon...."
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i was released from the hospital after about a week, to ensure there was no infection and that my vitals were okay. that day i was released i remember just standing at the entrance of the hospital, feelign a big fatigued and lost. for the past few days i had been subject to hospital food, an uncomfortable bed and constant baggering from the cops. they wanted information, and were very frustrated with my lack of cooperation.
i didn`t really know what to do or where to go.
i knew i wanted to see her, but i had no way of doing so.
i hailed a cab and told him to take me to the airport.
i didn`t know what else to do.
time to go home...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
it had been a long day at work and i decided to pop in the pub around my house to get a drink before heading home.
i had only taken one sip when i heard a voice ask me,"why didn`t you say anything?"
i closed my eyes, was that really her?
it couldn`t be, but that voice.
very distinct.
it shot to my very core.
"why did you call an ambulance and leave my kidney?"
she didn`t say anything.
i drank my drink, and motioned for another drink.
"do you want anything?"
there was silence.
"are you real?" she asked me. "i need to know, are you real?"
as she asked this, i could hear her moving closer to me.
how do you answer that?
"yes."
my drink came and i took a big gulp.
"i`m sorry stephen."
a tear welled in my eye.
"i know."
"no, you have no idea...i don`t know what you`ve done to me."
i smiled.
what i did to her?
"well, i know i didn`t cut you open and remove an organ."
she laughed, or tried to.
i guess it was funny, in a very fucked up kind of way.
"no, you just took my heart."
"and you actually took my kidney."
"i gave it back."
i smiled.
"true."
"i should go."
"have a drink."
"then what?"
"let`s start with a drink baby, that`s all i want right now."
she ordered a vodka tonic
"are you okay?"
"yeah, i`m fine," i said still just looking forward.
"are you sore?"
"i was more sore from the night before," i answered referencing our night of gymnastics.
i could feel her smile.
"why are you being so cool?"
"the same reason why you`re here."
this seemed to make her feel at ease.
"i can`t get you out of my mind."
"drink more," i said joking.
"it`s driven me crazy."
"ummm, honey, you drugged me and took one of my organs, i think you were already a resident of crazytown."
she didn`t say anything.
"well what about you? what was that note about?"
"i don`t want to talk about it."
"uh, what was that about?"
"baby, not now...can we just have a drink right now?"
"....sure. but that pissed me off."
i started to laugh at the absurdity of our conversation.
"why are you laughing?"
"are you serious?"
"yes, why? it`s not funny!"
"ummm, you`re right, it`s really fucked up! but what am i supposed to do."
i turned to her.
"do you realize that the only thought that was going through my head as i laid in the tub of ice was, it`s okay to die as i got to love first..."
a tear formed in her eye.
"don`t say that Stephen unless you mean it."
"you don`t think i mean it?" i said looking her square in the eye.
we stared at one another.
"i love you stephen."
then we kissed.
it was passionate, very passionate.
"i love you."
"so what now?"
i smiled.
"let`s just finish our drinks for now...and stay away from my drink, no funny stuff in there!"
"stop."
"babe...it`s a fair statement."
she frowned.
i kissed her on her forehead.
"don`t" i said smiling.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
i first saw her as soon as i checked into the hotel. i was late for the conference and as i was checking into my room at the front desk when i saw her come out of the elevator.
i was totally blown away. it took everything in me not to stare at her.
poor guy at the front desk had to ask me everything like three times.
"Sir, a ID and a major credit card..."
He probably thought i was a bit sketched.
but all was good, when she walked by because then he said, "oh, i see..."
he smiled.
blushed.
and we carried on.
as for me, i was smitten.
she was quite the site.
and to find out that she was at the same conference i was at, just really shook me.
i couldn`t stop looking over at her, and i couldn`t concentrate on a damn word the Speaker was saying!
then we bumped into one another at the Social..at the bar.
my kind of woman.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"do you have a phone?" she asked me right away.
"ummm, yeah. why?"
"does it take pictures?"
"yes."
"give it to me."
"huh?"
"give it to me."
i reached in my suit jacket and did just that.
she grabbed it, held it out, and snapped a picture of herself. then she looked at it.
she smiled.
"not my best, but okay, " she said handing me my phone back.
"thanks," i said unsure of what was happening.
i took a look at the picture.
damn, was she gorgeous.
"now, you can concentrate on the conference, it`s really good. that first speaker was amazing."
wow did i feel stupid.
i must have been eight shades of red.
"don`t worry," she said noticing this, "i like it that you`ve been staring at me."
"really? why`s that?"
"any girl would like to have a guy like you staring at them with those eyes."
i didn`t know what to say to this.
"thank you."
"do you drink?"
"yes."
"well, then get a drink and let`s go talk outside."
"okay."
i turned to the bartender and ordered a Zaya Rum on the rocks.
she waited for me.
once i got my drink, she said, "shall we?"
we headed outside to the patio, overlooking the ocean.
it was beautiful outside.
the wind was calm, there were thousands of stars in the sky, and you could hear the surf as it rolled in.
we stood there for awhile taking it all in.
"wow...this is perfect," i said getting lost in the moment.
"almost."
"oh, i`m sorry," i said realizing i had talked out loud.
"for what?"
i didn`t really know.
"no, perfect would be if you danced with me right now."
i smiled at her.
"really?"
"yes.""
we started to dance, and we started to talk.
"so i would tell you to tell me about yourself, but you`ll tell me everything good, and nothing bad, so really what`s the point?"
i smiled.
"okay, that`s fair. let`s see, i probably drink too much, i`m a bit stubborn, and have a temper and have even attended Anger Management, but got pissed that i was there. most of the time once i have sex with girl, i really don`t want to see her anymore, and i like to spend a lot of time alone. those are the high points."
her face had a surprise look to it, but at the same time, one of relief and even satisfaction.
"i was a bit of a whore back in school, cheated on a majority of my exams, cheated on my ex and used more cocaine than Ozzie Osbourne could imagine."
"perfect."
she smiled.
"oh, so those are all a turn on for you?"
"yeah, i think it`s time you meet the parents. just don`t try to fuck my dad."
"wow."
"yes."
"well then i guess don`t get so fucked up that i have to go that route."
we both smiled and continued to dance.
"so what`s your best quality?" she asked after a few moments.
"i care, and you?"
"i follow my heart."
"follow your heart and nothing else."
"oh that`s sweet, who says that?"
"lynard skynard."
"oh."
i smiled.
"you were hoping for like some great poet, like Jose Marti or something?"
she laughed.
"i don`t know."
"still a great line, and not that bad of a thing to do."
"what, follow your heart?"
"yeah."
"but sometimes you need to think things through."
i shrugged.
"yeah, but what`s life without passion."
"i like that."
"i believe that."
"are you passionate?"
the question took me off guard.
"i like to think so."
"but how does one know?"
"by the look in their eye, the way they talk about something, their energy."
"so like now?"
she smiled.
i smiled.
"wow."
her smile got bigger.
"you about ready for another drink?"
"yeah...you?"
she downed hers.
"yes."
she had style.
and she had personality.
and she was slowly wrapping me around her finger.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
the police officer leaned over my bed, as if he was trying to take a closer look at me.
"i don`t understand, why want you tell us anything?"
"what do you want me to say, i don`t know anything."
"you spent over two days with this girl."
"she wasn`t the one."
"then who was?"
"i have no idea, obviously i was drugged."
"and you don`t think this girl had anything to do with this?"
i shrugged.
"why are you protecting her? she almost killed you."
"but she didn`t, did she?"
"no, you`re right, she didn`t. but perhaps others, and maybe someone else."
this last statement hit me like a pound of bricks.
"you didn`t think about that did you?"
i just looked up at him.
"listen man, the pussy couldn`t have been that good."
i smiled.
"come on...don`t be the guy who picks up the paper tomorrow morning and learns that some shmo lost his kidney, and that the supsect in question is some hot brunette."
"i don`t know much about her."
he backed up.
"what` s her name?"
"she told me Amelia."
"anything else?"
"no."
"you have no way of contacting her?"
"no. obviously she was a professional."
"yes, but she saw something in you to not go through with it."
"hey man, she still cut me open and took the kidney...she just gave it back to me."
"and why?"
"i don`t know."
`i mean, what the hell did you two talk about? what did you say to her, do to her?"
i shook my head.
"i have no idea."
"can you give us anything else?"
"what do you want from me? that`s all i have. you have her picture from the cameras, just go with that."
he looked over at his partner, then turned back to me slowly and a little unsure of himself.
"there`s not a clear picture of her."
"huh?"
"like you said, she`s obviously a professional and on every camera, she is always turned to an angle that we can`t see her face."
i smiled.
and thought back to that first night when I actually wondered about that.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
we stayed up all night talking, there was never an awkward moment of silence. and we talked about everything. i`ve never had that.
it felt great to be so intellectually stimulated and intrigued by someone and so interested in what was going to come out of there mouth next.
i felt this incredible energy around her and was truly happy to be with her.
i actually didn`t care about fucking her, it never crossed my mind. well save for when i first saw her.
she captured me mentally, and then slowly emotionally, by the time it got physical, she had me.
i was in.
and i`ve never felt so alive.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
we had both had a few drinks, and were both feeling a bit tipsy.
"can i ask you something?" i said to her.
"sure," she said a bit hesitantly.
"what was it like?"
"what was what like?"
"what was it like to cut me open?"
"stepen, don`t."
"no, i want to know."
she stared hard at me.
"i really want to know. what was it like seeing me laying there passed out, after the two days we spent together, and then to just cut into me and take my kidney...i really want to know."
she didn`t say anthing.
"please..." i said with less aggression in my voice.
"it was hard."
i nodded my head.
"it was hard? that`s all you got for me?"
"please don`t do this."
i sat and stared at her for awhile.
"i have to know."
i motioned to the bartender for another drink, for the both of us.
then i turned back to her.
she looked me dead in the eye.
"it sucked...it sucked terribly, and i cried the whole time."
"but you still did it?"
"yes. yes i did."
"how?"
"you want to know?"
"yes."
"easily. it`s what i do."
"wow."
"does that make you happy?"
i thought about this.
"yes it does."
she looked at me like i was crazy.
"why?? what the fuck?"
"it`s simple. it`s not how you start, but how you finish."
i turned back to grab my drink.
i could feel her eyes on me.
"how is it going to finish?"
i shrugged.
"we could get married."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"i have to know something," she said as we made our way to my place.
"what`s that?"
"do you still want to kill yourself?"
"no."
"are you sure?"
"yes."
"how can i trust you?"
"you just have too."
"that`s not fair."
"babe, how do i know that i`m not going to wake up in my tub?"
"fuck you. let`s be honest, if i didn`t do that, would you be here right now?"
wow, that struck a cord.
i had really never thought about it.
"i don`t know."
"you don`t know?"
"no, i don`t know!"
"fuck you! how is that supposed to make me feel? huh?how do i know that you`re not goign to do it?!?!!"
"BECAUSe! i never had anything to live for until i met you!"
the tears started to come down my face.
i was holding onto her by both arms.
i stared her down to the soul.
"i never cared...i never felt alive, until you! do you realize that the night you walked out...did you hear what i said?"
she looked at me, scared, excited, and...in love.
"no, what?"
"that i loved you...even for the things you`ve done."
her eyes turned to softness, she bit her lower lip.
"you swept me off my feet and made me excited to be alive!"
tears were now cascading down my face.
"that`s why."
she hugged me, and held me tight.
"wow, we`re both really fucked up."
i started to laugh.
"yes...yes, we are."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"how many?" i asked. It just kinda came out. I had no intention of asking her, i really didn`t think I wanted to know.
she looked up at me as if she knew that i didn`t really want to know.
"do you really want to know?"
i took a deep breath and swallowed.
"yes."
"if i tell you, i`m going to tell you the truth, and there`s not going back."
"i understand."
"twenty-three."
"wow."
"yeah...wow!"
i tried to digest the number.
"okay," i finally said.
"okay? okay what?"
"okay. okay."
"what does that mean?"
"it just means okay, and that`s it. no more, no less. it doesn`t change anything."
"are you sure?"
"yeah, i am....wait!"
"what?" she said her face flushing red.
"did you sleep with all those guys?"
she smiled.
"no."
"are you sure?"
"positive...you were the first."
"i was your first?"
she smiled.
"well...as far as this."
now i smiled.
"thank god..."
"you`re whacked."
"whatever necro!"
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i was having coffee one day when some stanger came and sat down next to me.
i just looked up at him.
"yes, can i help you?"
"i know about your girl."
i smiled.
"what do you know?"
"everything."
i kept smiling.
"you should write a book."
"don`t be a smartass."
"i`m not, I really think more and more people are starting to read again."
he smiled.
"how can you do it?"
"do what?"
"stay with her?"
"i don`t know what you`re talking about."
his smile got bigger.
then he slid his chair out and lifted his shirt. he had a four inch scar...
same place i did.
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